So I blog to think through things. This is how I process stuff so bear with me. Around last November I wrote a blog about Pasha's bio mom. About how she must have loved him so very much b/c she chose to carry him to term and not abort him. I was viewing that from an Americanized viewpoint. I don't think abortions (at least "safe" ones) are very easy to get in Eastern Europe. I think it had nothing to do with her loving him enough to carry him and everything to do with she just acted as though she wasn't really pregnant. I am basing this on the many many health issues we are seeing pop up as well as having experienced the culture there. Right now I am not liking Pasha's birth mom at all. I hate what she has done to him with her drug use and alcohol use while pregnant. I hate the struggles she created for him by doing these things while carrying a precious life inside of her. And at the same time I feel sorry for her, b/c her life had to have been hard. She most likely had to sell herself for money to survive. She has become a statistic. She is now no longer alive (she would be about 30-32 years old right now and has been dead anywhere from 3-4 years most likely). My guess- she was abandoned, institutionalized, and on the streets by 16 like most orphans in Ukraine. It seems to be the life story over there for a large part of the population. This is one of my many reasons I am passionate about adopting. We as the church can help break that cycle.
Here's me being real for a second. I am saying this b/c it's important. This was my view of our adoption. We were adopting a child with a known medical condition that was very easy to handle and no big deal. I expected him to be about a year delayed developmentally due to living in an institution. I expected him to catch up rather quickly and live a normal life as a typical kid. This is not how it played out. Not at all. But I know that God knew that all along. God knew I needed a special needs child to help me learn compassion and patience.
6 years ago on the other side of the world God was knitting together a little boy who would face many issues and learning challenges. God knew that he couldn't survive in EE and knew we would be his family. God knew all the health issues, the behavior issues, the learning difficulties, the everything. God knew.... And that's all I need to know.
However I find myself grieving. Grieving for Pasha at the challenges he will face life long. I think every parent of a special needs parent gets here. You have to alter your dreams and aspirations for your child. Yes- special needs children can do AMAZING things. I am by no means saying he can't do awesome things and grow up to be independent. I really hope he can. But I don't know. I don't know what he'll be capable of doing and what he won't. We are finding out new things every month of new issues, new challenges. We haven't even done the full neuro psych testing yet.
Since he's been home we have learned of ADHD, frontal lobe brain damage, hole in his heart, tumors in the vocal cords requiring routine surgery, sensory processing disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and more to be determined by more testing. He's 6, but cognitively about 3. Those are a lot of things I was not expecting and not prepared for.
If I did know all of this in advance I would not have changed a thing. Pasha is a delight and a handful. He challenges me in ways I have never been challenged before. He is helping to mold me into a person I could not be without the struggles we have to face. Pasha is a blessing.
The song blessings by Laura Story comes to mind when I think of Pasha.
"'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise"
God has a great purpose for Pasha, trials and all. Pasha is helping to refine all of us who are a constant in his life.
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