in 3 days...

January 25th, 2011- this is the day that Pasha R******* became Pasha James Bittermann. This is the day that we were on the other side of the ocean petitioning to a judge as to why Pasha would be better off here in the USA.   It was intense.  And I remember vividly her saying that Pasha was now a Bittermann.  I just broke down and cried.  It happened.  The judge who our facillitation team was unfamiliar with, granted us custody when it was so iffy if she would or not.  In 3 days, that will have been a whole year ago.... In less then a month it will be one month from Pasha landing in the USA and starting his new life. 

In honor of Pasha's one year home, I have started working on a video of his first year. I was not expecting the emotions that it caused.  Pictures from the run down buildings, the people working in the outside market at -21 weather, the videos from the metro station we took to ride to the orphanage twice a day, pictures of our apartments, pictures of our first time meeting Pasha, our visits, his first time holding a crayon, playing with stickers, us pushing him in a swing.  Onto our airport arrival, and so many firsts in his new life: trip to the zoo, playing in the sprinkler, swimming, vacation, seeing a beach and playing in sand, first birthday, first Christmas... So many pictures of his brother and sisters snuggling him, hugging him, playing with him. 

I think about the children left behind.  The children who will commit suicide, die on the streets, or become prostitutes and drug dealers to survive.  I am heartbroken. 

I am at the same time so happy that that is not how Pasha's life story played out.  Over the last month Pasha and I have had these conversations:

"Mom, thanks for coming and getting me!"
"Getting you from where?"
"From Da-kain. Thank you for getting me"

Does that not BREAK YOUR HEART!!!  No child should thank you for having them as your son or daughter!

(Pasha coming into our room upon waking one morning)
"I love my house mom, and my brother, and my sisters, and you and daddy.  And EVERYTHING!!!!"

And another
"mama, I was missing you"
"I didn't go anywhere, silly!"
"I was missing you when I was in Da-kain"

He's processing stuff.  He's realizing his life before of being unloved and unwanted, and his life now of being treasured and told I love you about a thousand times a day. What a difference a year makes.  I am in no way the same person I was a year ago.  Not even close.  I now understand what it means to be a mom of a special needs child, what it means to practically live at a Dr's office, what patience truly is, what true total exhaustion means, how good we have it here in the USA- even if we only have 10 cents to our name.  Poverty here is not the same kind of poverty as overseas.  There is no help, no assistance.  After 16- you're on your own- period.  After 5 you're in a mental institution if your parents decided they can't raise you.  I am forever changed by what I have seen over there.  I am forever changed by my journey of faith the year it took to do the process of adoption.  I am forever changed by watching a child grow healthier and stronger every day bc of proper nutrition and LOVE.  I am forever changed- and I am sooo glad I am. 

Because of Pasha, Ukraine has a part of my heart.  Because of Pasha, I will be going back there to do missions work hopefully this fall.  Because of Pasha I have learned how to love through intense trials.  Because of Pasha I have learned the real meaning of love.  Thank you Lord for allowing us to go on this journey and to trust us with Pasha, and our other 4 blessings.  What an honor (even though more days than not, it feels like a life sentence - just being honest!) to be a parent, and even more so to a special needs child.