This is not for M&M's

Just a warning before you start reading: there is going to be NO candy coating in this post.  Like my friend says (and I have stolen the quote!) "Candy coating is for M&M's"- Carolyn Twietmeyer.  So if you want to know the all of it- the ugly, the  beautiful, the progress, the fall backs, then feel free to read on.  If you don't want to know- click that little X on the top right of your screen.  I will probably be judged, but that's ok.  This IS my reality and I think it's only fair to be honest.  Many people like to put on a happy face and pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows, but I'm keeping it real folks.  Adoption is hard- the process was hard, but being home is much much harder.  I write this b/c I think it's an adoptive parents right to know what COULD happen.  Not what will happen- each child is so very different and every persons experience is so very different.  But I am going to tell you whats going on here- I am going to be 100% vulnerable.  100% open and honest.  So here goes.

Our honeymoon period with Pash lasted 6 days.  I was kinda hoping for longer, but I'm grateful for those 6 days- even though I was BEYOND sleep deprived from being jet lagged and having a child who woke up at 3 or 4AM every day.  Now 24 days into this... reality has hit.  I am dealing with constant temper tantrums, sensory issues, medical issues we weren't expecting (surgery tomorrow!), sleep deprivation, a messy house b/c my new son requires all of the attention of a 2 year old without the luxury of multiple naps, etc.  I feel like I have been in a dark place these last 2 weeks- the challenges are SO much.  Much much more than I anticipated.  I expected to bring home a 5 year old son who would be about the cognitive level of a 4 year old due to living in an orphanage.  I did not expect to bring home a child who is in the terrible 2's.

I expected testing of boundaries as he was trying to figure out his new home and what is ok and what is not.  I did not expect the amount of testing going on.  I did not expect to be so emotionally exhausted that I just want to break down into tears every hour b/c he just won't stop doing things like splashing his milk all over the couches, living room walls, floors and dogs when I leave him for 2 min.  I did not expect that he would think it's fun to play in the potty and splash it ALL over the bathroom... AFTER he's peed in it and not flushed.  These are things my children have NEVER done.  I was NOT prepared for that!

I was expecting a lot of crying due to grief of leaving his friends and all he's ever known, I expected eating issues, I expected attachment problems and abandonment issues.  We don't have what I expected.  He is very bonded to both Eric and I- and all his siblings.  The Dr we see said he does not see any signs of attachment or abandonment problems.  This is awesome news!  He does however see signs of "institutionalized autism".  This means that he will most likely grow out of these behaviors.  He has been sensory deprived for SO long that he needs a lot of sensory input.  This requires a LOT of time on my part.  We are doing some kind of sensory input on an hourly basis.  Joint compressions, bouncing on an exercise ball, sensory play, tight hugs, firm massage, etc etc.  I am doing a lot of research as to how to help my child.

Here comes the most vulnerable part of this post- this is a story I have only told my mom, mil and best friend Marcy.  Not that long ago- maybe beginning of last week- I was laying in bed with Pasha while he threw a tantrum at 3:30 AM.  He wanted to be up playing, but obviously- that's not going to happen at 3:30. I rocked him, snuggled him, rubbed his back, did everything the Dr told me to do- and he wouldn't stop.  In my sleep deprived state I said to God "This was a mistake.  My life was calm, happy, and in order before this child came into our lives.  Did I really hear you tell me to do this or did I make it up in my head?  Is this my punishment for making something into your will if it wasn't?  Why did I do this to myself?  I was totally content with my 4 kids." Ok let the judgements start! ;)  I told you- no candy coating here!  Well in that dark room at 3:30 AM I heard God whisper to my soul- "If this wasn't my will- would I have provided the whole way?  Would I have moved the mountains that stood in the way?  How many people have told you how their lives were changed through your story? This is for MY glory- I never said it would be easy."

2 Corinthians 4:7-12; 16-18 

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 

 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

How is that for some encouragement?  These battles I'm facing- they are temporary.  They are awful- I hate going through them, but they are temporary.  

So adoptive parents who smile and hide your struggles-You don't have to!  It's OK!!  It's normal.  It's hard!  But we're not facing this alone! What does it benefit you or others if you plaster on a smile and pretend all is well when you really feel like your whole life is falling apart?  How can we help each other, build each other up and be real with each other- if we're not first honest with ourselves.  The first months to year home might totally suck the life right out of you!  You might not be able to tell up from down at this point- but there's a purpose.  I know through my struggles with Pasha I have been able to help one of my dearest friends who wasn't aware her adopted girls had sensory issues.  There's ALWAYS a reason.  Even if the ONLY reason I am going through these intense tantrums, sleep issues, and blatant disobedience is to help one other adoptive parent- then so be it.  God will get the glory through it all.  Through the sunny days and the days that are as dark as the night.